Debating on giving this another go...
I think I have come to a point in my life where I need to accept being alone. Yes, I have my family, my two roommates, friends that I occasionally see here and there when out barhopping...but I feel something missing. It might be cliché to believe that a significant other can make one seem complete but I do have a yearning for another aspect of my life to begin - an aspect that involves a healthy relationship with a self-sufficient, loving, attractive (at least to me ;D) man. A relationship that goes both ways and isn't restricted to one day a week or just weekends. But this is nearly impossible for me to find with how I am approaching the situation. I'm not sure what factors I need to change but some are obvious; searching in a bar, not lowering my standards, communicating more. I know what I need to do but then again, I am entirely lost. Of course, no one wants to rush or force anything...but what has really stirred the pot is that my ten year high school reunion is approaching and I am dreading the thought of going. I've actually already convinced myself not to go because I don't want to be tortured by the percentage of "married happily with children". But why do I feel guilty about this decision?
Everyone's advice has been along these lines - "You will not be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself." I understand this but I guess I haven't *found* myself yet. Which is why I keep telling myself I need to accept being alone. Stop whining about being single. Stop degrading myself. I want a calmer, more loving existence where my mind doesn't keep spinning what ifs about marriage, children, my future, etc. I need help in acceptance of living in the now and finding who I am, accepting who I am, truly understanding it. Right now, my only solace might be scouring the self-help aisle at the bookstore. :/
After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
ReplyDeleteAnd you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning, and company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts, And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And you learn that futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn,
and you learn…
Interesting words and a courageous sentiment. The answers are always so close..
ReplyDeletePeace,
Peter